Define 'Perfect Solution'
by denpa wave chick saki
Summary: "What if I let you be the dominant personality in a sexual setting?"
1. Chapter 1

Jane walked into the autopsy room and found Maura sitting at her desk, her eyes glued to her computer screen.

"Oh, no, don't do that! Your internal organs can't take that kind of strain! You're going to die from massive internal hemorrhaging!" the doctor cried.

"What in the world are you watching?" Jane asked.

"It's this show called '1000 Ways to Die'. Very interesting, though I am curious as to why people do things that are sure to get them killed," Maura replied.

"Because people are idiots. Why are you even watching a stupid show like that?" Jane asked, pulling up a chair beside her friend.

"It has medical value, even if the information has been simplified a bit…"

"Not everyone is a walking encyclopedia like you, Maura. It needs to be simplified so that all the small minds, like mine, can understand what's going on."

"Do you really see yourself as small-minded, Jane?"

"Compared to you, everyone is small-minded."

Maura frowned. "Are you saying that I make you feel… unintelligent?"

"Not really…"

"Oh, Jane, I never realized… I've always—"

"Maura, don't worry about it, okay?" Jane said, standing up.

"No, it's not okay. Jane, I don't want you to feel inferior when you're around me," Maura said, standing up as well.

"Hey, back off a little, okay? It's not as bad as you're making it out to be. Give me some credit here."

Maura looked down, then her face brightened with an idea. "What if I let you be the dominant personality in a sexual setting?"

Jane turned slowly to look at her friend, who was smiling. She shook her head. "Why are you smiling? Stop smiling. This is not something you should be smiling about."

"No, no, it's the perfect solution! If I let you humiliate me sexually, you won't feel threatened by my intellect anymore!"

Jane grabbed her friend by the shoulders. "Maura, listen to me closely: NO."

"But why not? You once said that if you ever got the chance, you'd, and I quote, 'fuck that hot doctor as many times as her IQ'."

"I was drunk, Maura! You can't trust anything I say when I'm drunk!"

"But, Jane—"

"No! God, something is seriously wrong with you if you think that that is a good solution!"

Jane released her friend and grabbed her coat as she started for the door.

"Well, then can we just enter a sexual scenario equally?" Maura called after her. Jane stopped as a sudden image of her and Maura in bed together flashed through her mind. Jane closed her eyes and forced the image out.

"Just go back to your show," Jane said, leaving the basement.

Maura sighed and sat down at her computer again, her fingers tapping against the desk. She picked up her phone and dialed, listening to it ring.

"Hi, Frankie? It's Maura. You owe me fifty dollars."

"Did she go for it?"

"No. She thinks I'm mentally disabled."

"Are you going to tell her it was a set-up?"

Maura looked at where Jane was waiting impatiently for the elevator, and she smiled.

"No. I find she's much cuter when she's nervous."


	2. Chapter 2

Jane slipped into her coat and turned off her desk light as she prepared to go home for the night. All she wanted to do was go home, curl up with a beer, and forget everything Maura had said to her in the past hour. Jane started for the elevator.

_I'm not even going to think about—_

"Hi Jane."

Jane looked up and was met with the sight of the very person she had been trying to forget. Maura was smiled at her, giving her a little wave.

"Oh, god," Jane said.

Maura's smile fell from her face. "I'm happy to see you too."

"I'm taking the stairs," Jane said.

"Jane, come on."

"What are you even doing up here?"

"I thought you could use some company going out to your car," Maura replied.

"How thoughtful of you," Jane said, but she was too tired to actually use the stairs, so she reluctantly stepped inside the metal box. The doors closed after her and the elevator started going down. There was silence.

"Jane… you're not still upset about what happened earlier, are you?" Maura asked.

Jane sighed. "No, Maura. I'm not upset."

"Your expression and body language tell me that you're still dwelling on it."

"Yes, Maura, I am still dwelling on it. I mean, wouldn't you?"

"I don't understand why you're so disturbed. It's been proven through several studies that a dominant and submissive sexual scenarios have helped ease tensions between couples."

"Yeah, screw your facts, Maura! Let me tell you what I know: friends don't ask each other to have… kinky sex with them!"

"I never said anything about it being 'kinky'. I merely suggested it to help you with your feelings of inferiority."

"God, can we please get off that subject?"

Maura looked up at the ceiling. "All right."

"Thank you."

More silence.

"You know, I viewed us having sex as strictly professional."

"Maura!"

"Well, I did!"

"Enough!"

The elevator suddenly lurched and both women stumbled forward.

"What was that?" Jane said.

"Sounds like we've stopped."

"Oh, no. No, no, no. This cannot be happening!" Jane said.

"Why? Are you claustrophobic?" Maura asked.

"No, Maura, but I don't want to be trapped in a little box with someone who wants to have… professional sex with me!"

"Do you really think I would try to take advantage of you in a situation like this?"

"I don't know what to think anymore!"

The lights suddenly went out and Jane sighed.

"This is just perfect," she said. "I should have taken the stairs."

"Actually, this could be the perfect place for the sexual scenario I suggested earlier."

"MAURA, WE ARE NOT GOING TO FUCK IN AN ELEVATOR!"

Maura was taken aback. "It's a very small space, Jane. I can hear you just fine at normal conversation volume."

"Obviously not, because you keep bringing up sex!"

"You know, hearing and comprehending are two very different things."

"I have to get out of here now!" Jane drew her gun and took aim at the ceiling, but Maura grabbed her arm.

"Jane, put that away! Are you crazy?"

"You're making me crazy!" Jane said through clenched teeth.

Maura released her friend and backed up. "All right, Jane. I'm sorry. I didn't realize you were so sensitive about the subject. I'll leave it alone now."

Jane nodded and put her gun away. "All right. Good," she said, brushing some of her dark hair out of her face.

"Can I just ask one more question on the subject?" Maura said. Jane gave her a death glare. "Just one more, I swear."

"Fine," Jane growled.

Maura looked Jane right in the eyes. "Have you ever considered… sleeping with me in a… non-professional, romantic sense?"


	3. Chapter 3

"I feel like we've been in here forever."

"We've only been in here for three minutes and thirty-seven seconds… thirty-eight seconds… thirty-nine seconds…"

"Okay, Maura, I get it!"

The doctor lowered the wrist that had her watch on it.

"God, it's hot in here," Jane said, taking off her jacket. "How long did they say it would take them to turn the power back on?"

"About an hour."

Jane groaned and sat down.

"That is an excellent idea," Maura said. She slipped one heel off and as she moved to take off the other, she lost her balance and started to fall. Jane caught her as she fell, and suddenly found herself looking right down Maura's shirt.

"You're not wearing a bra?" Jane exclaimed, her eyes following the curves of Maura's breasts.

"I knew I forgot something this morning," Maura said. Jane pushed her friend to the side and Maura moved to sit beside her. "Jane… you never answered my question."

"Do I even envision sleeping with you?"

Maura nodded.

"Why? Do you envision sleeping with me?"

Maura looked down, her face turning red. "I… I have dreams where we partake in… sexual relations."

Jane looked at her, raising an eyebrow. "Really?"

Maura nodded again.

"… Am I any good?"

Maura grinned. "Oh, yes…"

"Where am I?"

"Pardon?"

"Well, am I on the top or bottom?"

"I thought you weren't interested."

"If you're having sex dreams about me, I think I deserve to know if I can meet your high standards in at least one department."

"Top. Always."

Maura slipped her hand into Jane's, and was surprised when the detective didn't try to pull away. Jane looked down, feeling her face grow hot.

"Jane?"

"What?"

"What's it like… to kiss another woman?"

"I don't know."

"That's a lie."

"I don't know how to describe it."

"Then show me."

Jane instantly pulled her hand away and looked at Maura. "Wha- no!"

"Please, Jane? Just one kiss."

"No!"

"No one's here, they'll never know. Please?"

Jane looked into Maura's pleading eyes and winced. "Fine. One quick kiss."

Maura grinned before moving in front of the detective. She fixed her hair and looked as though she were preparing herself.

"What the hell are you doing?" Jane asked.

"Getting into the right kissing vibe," Maura replied. "Attitude is everything, and—"

"Oh, for the love of God." Jane grabbed Maura roughly before kissing her. Hard. Maura emitted a muffled squeak and Jane released her.

"There. Satisfied?" Jane asked. Maura could only stare. "I don't believe it. I finally found a way to shut you up."

The lights suddenly came back on and the elevator started going down again.

"Finally!" Jane said, standing up. The doors opened and Jane practically leapt from the elevator. "See you later, Maura." Jane turned to see that the doctor was still sitting in the elevator. Jane looked at building exit. She was so close… "God damnit," she muttered before she went back to the elevator. She pressed the button for the second floor.

"What are you doing?" Maura asked, looking up at her friend. Jane didn't say anything, but flipped the emergency stop switch. The elevator stopped and the lights went out. "Jane—"

"This is strictly professional," Jane said, unbuttoning her blouse and letting it slide off her arms before she started to unbutton her pants, which had somehow become uncomfortably tight. "Just remember that."


	4. Chapter 4

When the elevator reached the bottom floor and the doors opened, Jane stuck her head out hesitantly.

"All right. The coast is clear," she said. She turned back to Maura. "Zip your fly, doctor."

Maura looked down. "Oh."

Jane took her friend's hand and the two left the elevator, heading for the exit.

"Stop giggling," Jane hissed as they fled to her car.

"I'm sorry. Is this still all professional?"

"Yes. Everything about tonight is strictly professional."

The two got into Jane's car and she started it up before driving away, heading for her apartment.

* * *

Frankie and Barry watched the car drive off.

"Do you think they did it?" Barry asked.

"Are you kidding me? They were in that elevator for an hour, and Maura only asked me to stop of for five minutes."

Barry shook his head. "Looks like they're going to have a lot more than just five minutes of fun tonight."


End file.
